QUESTION #1

Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Question: I’ve been seeing a girl for about 3 months now and I’ve really fallen for her but I found out that she made out with a guy at a party. I was mad for awhile but eventually let it go and moved on, but it just happened again with another guy. What should I do? It sucks because I really care about her but I can’t stand the thought of her even kissing someone else but me… Help

ANSWERS

Ashley,

I will say it now and I know I will say it again, “Love makes normal people crazy and makes crazy people insane.” This is not to say that you are normal, crazy, or insane. This is only to say that love can skew the best of our judgment. Since you’ve been with this girl have you wanted to make out with anyone else? Have you both had a conversation that defined exclusivity? If you haven’t perhaps that’s the next step you should take. Maybe she isn’t ready. Maybe you aren’t ready even though it feels like you are. The best advice I can give is that you be open and honest with her, but be emotionally prepared for her reactions and answers.

Some times a kiss is just a kiss, but other times a kiss can be everything,

Kelly

Hi Ashley,

Hmm — this one’s tough because not only is she being disrespectful to your relationship, she’s also doing it with the opposite sex.

Being as you’re 18, and I’ll assume your GF is also 18 (or thereabouts) questions about your sexuality are understandable. She may not be sure that she’s lesbian yet. Or at least not yet willing to commit to it.

I know when I came out (at 19) I jumped into women and never looked back — ok, except for a brief moment during a really dark time in my lesbian bed death saga - which only reconfirmed that I’m a total lez, but that’s a story for another day.

Is your relationship exclusive? I mean does she know that you’re in a relationship? She sounds like a young girl just having a good time to me — which leads me to believe that maybe she’s not where you are just yet.

I’d sit her down and clear the air. Tell her your concerns. Too often we let our pride rule us and keep us from asking the important questions.

Believe me, I’ve done it 1,000,000 times and in the end I was the one
holding the bag.

Truly,
Tina-cious

Dear Ashley,

The same thing happened to me when I was your age, and I hid in my room for three months. And you’re right. It sucks when the girl you love starts kissing on someone else, especially a guy! But don’t despair and don’t go hiding in your room for the next three months like I did. There is hope.

The unpleasant truth is that your girlfriend doesn’t appear ready to make an exclusive commitment to you. Most people your age aren’t ready for that. They are more interested in having fun, acting crazy and exploring who they think they might be and what they might like. And that is as it should be, really.

Start by sharing your feelings with her if you haven’t done so already. That doesn’t include finger-pointing or blaming. She’s not the bad guy. She just has different priorities.

If she’s not ready for the level of commitment you’re looking for, you have to decide whether being in a non-exclusive relationship with her is acceptable to you. If it’s not, then perhaps it’s time to let her go and move on with your life. Don’t try to change her or manipulate her. That always backfires!

So where’s the hope in all of this? The truth is that you don’t need a relationship to be happy. For reals! Learn to enjoy life as is. Learn to love yourself first. Because if you can’t love yourself, no one else will. You may very well find that when you reach the point where you are happy as a single person, you will naturally attract people who are healthy and who will love you unconditionally.
Peace out, namaste and rock on!

Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmashanti.com

Ashley -

My first question is this; are you upset because she was kissing someone else, period, or because she was kissing a guy?

That’s pretty important for you to think about, because there are really different issues at hand, depending on your answer.

If you’re upset because she’s kissing someone else in general, let’s talk about your relationship. Did you two have a talk about being monogamous, and what that means? If you did, and you both agreed that kissing others was out of the picture, then I think it’s time to have another little chat with her about staying within the boundaries of your relationship. However, if you never had a discussion about being exclusive, or you both just said “Ok, we’re together,” it sounds like there may have been some miscommunication. As you might remember from this season of the L-Word, not everyone has the same definition of what “cheating” is. Some people think anything except sex (Shane seemed to think sex one time wasn’t even cheating) was kosher, where as others think that even THINKING about being someone else is being untrue. You two need to talk about that, and make sure you’re on the same page.

Now, if you’re mostly upset because she’s kissing a guy, rather than a girl, you need to look at your attitude towards sexual orientation. Are you upset because she’s bisexual, or pansexual, or anything that isn’t a gold star? Because if you are, that’s YOUR issue, and not hers, and you need to decide whether you can be with someone who doesn’t mesh 100% with what you’re looking for. Is it that her kissing guys grosses you out? Does it make you nervous? Think about what it is specifically about her making out with guys that has you upset. Maybe part of your relationship agreement was “you can kiss other women, but not men.” Whatever it is, think on it, and then, this is the hard part — talk to her about it.

Let me say this before there is suddenly a bunch of bi-hatred flung around; if you’re in a monogamous, “kissing is cheating” relationship, and she is kissing guys, it doesn’t mean she’s going straight, or leaving you for a guy because she’s bisexual. I’m guessing that maybe (regardless of what her orientation may be), she’s not quite as into a monogamous, long term relationship as you are, and this could be how she is expressing that.

I wish you the best of luck…it sounds like there is going to have to be a good, long conversation between the two of you either way.

Hoping you find what you’re looking for,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Ashley,

I’m sorry, baby, that’s got to hurt.

You don’t say how old your love interest is, but if she’s about your age, or even older, she may still be trying to figure it all out. I’m not just talking about sexuality, I’m talking about who she is as a person. Most people your age are not ready to settle down, even if they are interested in someone. It is more of a “You are Ms. Right….Now.” You can’t control who she kisses or how much she drinks at parties or, well, anything. You can ask, you can beg, you can even secure her promises, but the bottom line is, she is not ready to settle down, a message which she is sending you in GIANT NEON FLASHING LIGHTS, regardless of how you spoon so beautifully together. Any further giving of the heart in hopes of undying love and fidelity is not going to be pretty. For you. Take care of yourself.

You have two choices: 1) Accept her for who she is, which means knowing she will kiss and possibly sleep with many others – and live it; or 2) Stop. Now.

Lori

Do you have a question for The TLL Advice Panel? Meet the Panel and fill out the form to send us your question here.

In the early morning of June 7th I was woken up by the doorbell ringing over and over again. It was my cousin, and before I opened the door I knew something was wrong. You had a full hysterectomy the morning of the 6th.

I will never forget his words, “Your Mom’s not doing well, they had to take her back into surgery.”

It took all I had to stop my legs from shaking to run up the stairs, get dressed, and find the keys to my car. For the first time in my life I was close to losing you. After all our family has lost the past year and a half I couldn’t even wrap my brain around the thought of not having you around.

It was in the seven mile drive to the hospital that millions of thoughts started to fill my brain. The minutes it took to get there felt like hours and within those hours I realized what an amazing woman you are. It was you who taught me what unconditional love is, you showed me how to give people the benefit of the doubt even when my nature advised me to trust no one, and you who provided me with just enough of a soft side to curve my rough edges. Your love for me, no matter who I am or who I love, is the most honest and pure love around.

I broke down when I got to the hospital that night. My cousins would later comment on never before seeing me cry. Had you been by my side you would have told me to cry. You would tell me not to hold it in and to feel what needed to be felt. You would have held my hand and told me everything will be okay even if you knew it wasn’t. And coming from you I would have believed you even if I knew it wasn’t either.

You don’t remember much from those next few days and I’m glad. You had internal bleeding and ended up losing a liter and a half of blood before it was all said and done. For the first time in my thirty years of life I got to take care of you once you came home and I didn’t mind it a bit. Sometimes you drive me crazy, but I’m glad I have a part of you in me. Everyone always used to say that I was my Father’s daughter. What they didn’t know is that underneath it all I’m a lot more like you.

You are an irreplaceable Mother, a great friend, and one of the kindest people I know. Thank you for putting up with my shit and being one of the few that knows the real me.

Your (insane) daughter,

K

It’s finally here. The TLL Advice Panelists have tackled the questions sent in by our readers and we have given our advice. Please feel free to leave your advice for these questions in the comments section of this post.

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I deleted a hundred sentences before I decided on the right ones. They should make the cards bigger. The ones that come with flowers. Don’t they know how hard it is to sum up love in 2-3 sentences. Then it came to me.

I’ve never loved a heart as beautiful as yours STOP
Every thing about you is all I’ve ever wanted STOP

I think she knows they may be from me. It may have to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to  look her in the eyes. It was worth it though. I’ll never forget the look on her face when they delivered the flowers to the office.

I am an undercover pimp!

I attended Pride in Ferndale, Michigan this year. It was a sunny fun filled day. We walked along the streets until our feet were tired; running into friends and saying our hello’s.

Just as the day for us was ending and we were about to throw in the towel I looked up into the distance and could not believe my eyes. There she was, the girl I always had a crush on in high school standing in a crowd at the end of the block. My knees went weak and my heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest.

I told my friends “be right back” and tore off to her just to say hello. When I got in front of her she turned to face me and almost fell over. Instant hugs abounded and we were both doing the “oh my god” to each other. It was like a high school reunion.

We stood there and talked for what felt like an hour but was more like fifteen minutes as our peeps slowly made their way over to us to wait. The first thing said was “I always knew” followed by “why did we never hook up?”

When our friends started grumbling we decided to exchange numbers so we could move onto our adventures at hand. I never expected a call and apparently neither did she but I think we probably called each other at almost the same time the next morning.

We met for lunch and were there for four hours. We have met several more times and are now “dating.” This feels so right and yet in school we would probably never have approached each other in this way. It has been twenty two years since we were in school and a lot has changed for both of us and for society.

I am so happy that we are back together as friends (and maybe more) and I wanted to share this story with all who may have or had this happen to them.

Peace and Love

Sappybeaver

Why Straight Woman are my Choice of Caviar

1. Lesbian cherry: Ok so they’ve been with a man… but they’ve never been with a woman!! And if you are lucky they’ve never been with either… (very unlikely though) Woo hoo time to show them what they’ve been missing! Plus there is the added bonus that they will always remember you because you popped their lesbian cherry! Now how nice is that.. an eternal fragment in these women’s memoir.
2. Challenge: These women are straight duh! This means they are not going to be attracted to you initially.. Hence there is a challenge in making them attracted to you. 90% of the women I have been have been straight! Or should I say “straight”. And the berry is so much more sweeter when you worked so hard to get it… mmm reap the benefits of your harvest.
3. Another Option: I think most woman are never offered the option of being with a woman. Once the thought is embedded in their head it gets their little wheels spinning; hey maybe I could fornicate with a woman. My good friend always says every girl is one drink away from being a lesbian and this has proven to be true! Mainly you will be the key to unlock an unknown and unfamiliar world to her! You have the opportunity to offer her something she has never experienced. Think about it….
4. Secret Forbidden Sexual Desire: Ok so I really truly believe that the thought of being with a woman has crossed all women’s mind at one point in time.. Even if it was for a fraction of a milli-second. You get to be that person to unleash their dirty little secret hehe. Which also makes the connection more intense on her behalf…. You get to venture into her secret garden.. enjoy that forbidden fruit so to speak.
5. Power: You get to teach them the ropes. Yup you control the sex…at least for a while. And as sick as this sounds you can fulfill your dirty little fantasies with them to. Heck they don’t know what they’re doing but you sure as hell do! This is your opportunity to try little things you’ve been dying to try without them looking at you like you’re crazy! Hey don’t judge me sex with a woman is part assessment, examining, experimenting and trial and error!!!
6. Freedom: most of these encounters are sexually driven, fun, exciting, and no strings attached. They’re usually short lived so no commitment. No u-haul syndrome, no fear of being tied down, no fear of things getting too serious!!! Yay win win situation. Let freedom ring!

Dangers of choosing straight women as main entrée

1. Falling for one: Yeah I fell for a straight girl once… when I was stupid. We had fun wild sex for 5 months! Everywhere! Then she decided to go back to her boyfriend. She still looks at me like she wants to do the deed. But she broke my heart. Of course I got over it!

2. The men in her life: If u guys are canoodling (sex) and she’s also seeing men.. That’s gross…yes there is no strings attached.. but that’s still gross… beenthere done that.. the thought of sperm and whatnots of male genitalia… gross.. enough said.
3. Them falling for you: This doesn’t sound very dangerous.. but it is! Very very dangerous… They are straight hence can revert to their natural state of wearisome heterosexuality at any time. A good example is Anne Heche (crazy ass bitch and former fiancé of Ellen DeGeneres) whom we all know is a big fat heterosexual!
4. She can drop out of the funk at any time! Know that she might realize that this is just not for her. Maybe she just wanted to try it and is no longer interested. Or she might freak out because she likes it too much and now is questioning her sexuality! This has happened to me. I had a girl flip out after a month or so telling me she was confused and blah blah… If you’ve invested feelings.. you will be hurt
5. It’s a secret: You are her secret fantasy. Key word secret! So don’t get all butt hurt when she doesn’t act like you too are eating each other’s pies!

There is Hope:
There is a hope that if you fall for a straight girl you guys might end up together. It happened on L-word hahah with Tina and Bette. And it happened to me! I hooked up with a girl that was “straight” and we dated for 2 ½ years. Now she’s just confused. Maybe they weren’t straight to begin with..Who knows it could happen!

If you like it when the buzz about a performer ends up being all true – stay tuned to Lori Michaels. Her full-length CD debut, “Living My Life Out Loud,” couldn’t be more aptly titled, period – and is slated for release this spring on Reform Records.

She’s been singing and dancing since she could talk and walk. But Michaels’ career launched into new orbit in 2006, following her official “Coming Out” party at the House of Blues’ Club Worship in Atlantic City. It was a House of Blues first, and a turning point for Michaels in her evolution to in-demand solo artist and nationwide headliner with her head-turning Me & The Girls shows.

In a time when coming out has evolved from something equated with fear to something much more about freedom, Michaels has freed her artistic soul to deliver “Living My Life Out Loud.” It is a testament to, above all else, her love of the song – whether that means writing, arranging and performing the vocals (lead and backgrounds), showcasing her talents on the piano/keys, or overseeing production with the best in the business to leave listeners breathless.

Since her Coming Out in March of 2006, Michaels has taken Me & The Girls to venues including a Ladies Rock concert in Philadelphia, opening engagements for the Village People and Ashford & Simpson, a headliner performance for Showtime and the Human Rights Campaign at the New York City 2008 L Word Premiere Party, a Sing Out for AIDS special guest performance with Betty (of Showtime’s L Word), and Pride events from New York all the way to California.

WINDOWS MEDIA AUDIO: Lori Michaels “Meet Me At The Partay” http://vista.streamguys.com/jspiewak/lori_partay.wma

“Living My Life Out Loud” comes out digitally on July 3rd and is in stores July 8th.

To find out more about Lori Michaels please visit www.lorimichaels.net, www.lorimichaelsproductions.com, and www.myspace.com/lorimichaels.